A Month of Pretorias

Another night and another News cafe in Pretoria. This time it's the Menlyn one, who have decided only on Monday that they want to do comedy occasionally and that Thursday that week is the ideal time to start. Hannes Brummer is MCing which is encouraging and he has managed to get Ronnie Modimola and myself at the last second, ingenious work considering the fact that there are no fewer than five large comedy events and two other smaller ones on, every single Thursday.

The room is an odd one too. Its actually not a room at all, but rather the smoking section of the News Cafe. There is no spotlight and a large pillar in the centre of the raised area, which is the stage and a section of the restaurant. Waiters bustle across the stage to feed people which could be intimidating, and, as it is a free gig, half the people are just there for a chat and a smoke rather than the comedy. All of that said it went well for a first night in a new venue. Hannes doggedly persevered with 20 minutes of opening material until everyone, but one large table of loud middle-aged drunks in the corner, had stilled their table conversation and were chuckling along.

The room didn't give me much hope as I believe fervently that people really do need to listen to me to get me at all, but after about 5 minutes in, I noticed people who had been facing away from the stage had now turned their chairs around and everyone (but the drunks in the corner) were paying attention. As for the material, well it was a bit up and down. Like the night before I got the sense that some of it was going over the crowd's heads but they were definitly appreciating it and giving me all their attention and time, which is generally lovely. It was almost like they were saying, "okay I didn't really get that one, but I'll wait for the next". The laughs came and again I got a lovely rapore going with this generally welcoming crowd. Once again when I left there was a loud, warm applause and even a few cheers.

The second half saw Ronnie Modimola bring out some of the best scripted jokes in the industry. Ronnie can really write a joke. If it wasn't for his infectious giggle and his occasional stumbling over his set ups his would be one of the tightest deliveries in SA. He knows what is funny and easily twists the audiences minds, with sharp, silly puns. He too experiences what I did; a crowd who were paying attention and enjoying the show even if they didn't get, or like, everything. His joke which begins, "The comedians you have seen so far tonight are not the best speakers" was a personal favourite and if you ever get to see him, you'll see why.

I hope they do comedy there soon again, as there is definitly potential with a crowd that willing to give new things a go.

Tings & Times; Terrific

Tings and Times in Hatfield, a student rich suburb of bars, nighclubs and pubs, pressed against the walls of TUKS university has always been a great venue for me. The crowds there tend to be smart, young and occasionally stoned. Its a friendly venue where the same waiters ply their trade as did before I left for the UK and the appeal is still there when we arrive, in Melt Sieberhagen's car just twenty minutes before the gig is set to start. All the seats are full in the venue but it still manages to look a little empty due to the spaces between the tables. Melt as host steps up and gets the crowd paying attention with his lively, clever, self-deprecating Afrikaans material, which you get the sense, this crowd really identifies with. Then he calls me up.

I am scheduled to do more than 20 minutes for only the second time since I have returned from the UK. Its a prospect I found intimidating the last time due to the fact that my longest set in England was just 12 minutes. This time though it goes well. So well in fact that when I get off the stage I ask Melt if I was a little short and he assures me that I comfortably made my time. Not every joke works. A new one I have on the Roadrunner hasn't been worked out right and as a result goes over the audience's head, and one or two others just seem to plain baffle them - probably due to language differences - but for the most part the set is great. I get a good rapore going with the crowd and even though the lights turn off, plunging me into blackness in the middle, and temporarily throw me, I recover to come off the stage to warm, loud applause.



Alyn Adams is next and he does, well...what he does. His pro-marijuana material hits home time and again leading into a very strong opening ten minutes. After that though it appears to be getting late for this crowd as they start to lose attention until he once again finishes strongly. There isn't a single new joke in there since I saw him more than a year ago but he can be excused or whipping out his best material as he has not performed at Tings in just about as long, he tells me. I am actually surprised he does not have acres more stuff as the whole drive to Tings he kept riffing out new jokes on everything we passed, none of which will see a stage.
Alyn is one of those comics with a great deal of intellect and I would love to see him write a little faster.

Nontheless, it is a good gig for all of us and a nice way to return to one of my favourite venues; Tings & Times.

Joburg's World-Cup Duty

Way back in 2004 while I was working at possibly the most boring job I have ever had and just after South Africa was announced as being the host country for the 2010 Fifa world-cup, I wrote the following article and sent it out to friends, eventually seeing it published to startling lack of acclaim in the "Wits Student" newspaper. Now, years later, while rummaging through my old outbox, I came across it again and figured that I should really get as much use out of it as I can while it is still relevant. Already however it became a little outdated due to the sheer amount of development in and around the centre of our city, but I have rectified this with one or two minor adjustments. So without further ado:



The World-Cup: Making JHB a world-class city.

When one is asked to name the greatest cities of the world, one naturally takes into account a number of factors. It is not always the size of a city that makes the difference, or even the population. If it was, then Mexico City would be the capital of the planet, a role I think we can all agree that Mexico City, for all its charms, is not quite ready for. Of course size has its place, but it is far more abstract qualities that elevate certain cities to greatness and would influence one's choices: politics, history, culture, cuisine, and cosmopolitan atmosphere, to name just a few.

While Johannesburg has most of this, and is working on its cosmopolitan atmosphere, it conspicuously lacks the one other factor that defines many of the world's other great metropolises: a giant monster attack.

I've been giving this a lot of thought, and I've come to the conclusion that Johannesburg can not be a great, global metropolis until it is attacked by its own giant monster. Thanks to the encyclopaedic reference information contained in the invaluable website Giantmonstermovies.com, I've been able to research some of the cities that have been on the receiving end of giant monsters. Sure, you all know that Tokyo has had a fifty year Beasty infestation that has included Godzilla, Gamera and company. New York got King Kong on multiple occasions plus, as a bonus, the Beast from 20,000 Fathoms (by the way, that's 60,000 metres, or about six times deeper than the deepest part of the ocean). London was attacked by Gorgo. San Francisco got the five-armed octopus of "It Came from Beneath the Sea". The list also has some surprises:

Copenhagen was attacked by Reptilicus, Hong Kong was attacked by Mighty Peking Man in 1977, in an unintentional but apt metaphor for the city's future, Rome's Colosseum was destroyed by Ymir in 20 Million Miles to Earth, Los Angeles got Them, Sweden got a monster, although it appears to have been confined to the rural areas, in keeping with Scandinavian tidyness. Even neutral Switzerland had a monster, although it was put there by Americans. Every tiny town in the American southwest had a Gila Monster, Mantis or giant underground worm at some point.

As you would expect, Durban is conspicuously monster-proofed, although I think a romp by a giant merlion would do it a world of good.

But let's get back to Johannesburg.

The problem for Johannesburg is, of course, that it has no skyline, and no easy monster access. If a monster was going to attack any mainland South African city, it would probably make a beeline (monsterline?) for Cape Town. Not only does it have the Indian and Atlantic oceans, which are more than big enough for your standard-guage Monster, but it has the glittering V&A Waterfront which has "ravage me" spelled out all over it in neon. If Table Mountain isn't just waiting to be scaled by something giant, scaly and radioactive, then I don't know what is.

But what would a monster in Johannesburg attack? Ponte Tower? That's in grimy forgotten Hillbrow. The comfortably lush Northern suburbs? While perhaps an interesting thought, those low rise, Top-Billing inspired buildings just aren't all that satisfying as monster-fodder. Sandton City is a step in the right direction, but after the Sandton Sun, there's precious little else smashable in that neighborhood. I guess a monster could kind of work it's way down Rivonia Road like a buffet line, stopping every kilometer or so to work on whatever medium-grade hotel or glassy business building was convenient, but it seems like kind of a chore. Why waste the effort when the concentrated banquet tables of New York and Tokyp are so much more convenient?

And that supposes that a monster could get to Johannesburg. This may be easier to solve. Although we don't have a major waterway nearby, it is conceivable that monster awakened by, say, the construction of the Gautrain, could arise from the bottom of Haartebeespoort Dam, or perhaps tunnel up from underneath Gold Reef City (which would put it relatively near the Brixton tower). I guess a monster could rise out of pollution of the Braamfontein spruit and devour Alexandra as a kind of hors'd'oeuvre on the way in to the rest of Sandton, but it all seems very indirect. Plus any such monster could easily get misdirected and end up in Pretoria, or, worse, Springs (which already appears to have had a monster, thanks very much).

So I think Johannesburg has a clear mandate. If there is a better centerpiece for a giant monster attack than the 2010 World Cup then I cannot think of what it might be. Forget terrorist attack, I'm thinking giant monster attack. Johannesburg has a responsibility, a duty, nay a god-given directive, to construct a monster-worthy skyline prior to the footballing centrepiece, and then take advantage of the tournament itself to trash it utterly.

Now that would be a spectacle worth staying for, and it would ensure Johannesburg's entry into the pantheon of great World Cities far better than any measly sporting competition alone ever would.

Space Aplenty

The Space.Com comedy festival lived up to its name by providing plenty of space and absolutely no audience on a cold, wet, Johannesburg evening last night. I always knew the gig would be a quiet one but was shocked to see that the only people there were, some of the comics and the sound engineers.

The Space.Com festival has a really noble intention. All year long new comedians have been attending comedy workshops hosted by Etienne Shardlow, and have been honing sets and acts. This festival was the culmination thereof and the hope was that the new acts would get a chance to perform their brand new sets in front of a crowd with a few experienced comics, headlining and hosting the night.

Unfortunately last night the weather meant that even though entrance was free, no one was interested in coming out to see the show and lights went down on a total of seven people in the room including the comics. Not even all the comedians scheduled to perform showed up. Tom Cronje didn't come, something I am actually getting fairly used to him doing, and surprisingly even Andy Jenkins (who loves getting stage time) was not there.



So based on the fact that the crowd did not arrive, we had a bit of a comedy workshop instead. I did some warm up material, then invited the first act on-stage, the very likable Tyson Ngubeni; one of the new guys. He then performed, lights down, as he would have to a full room, after which we gave him critiques on his set. Another new guy, Grant “Willy” Wilson, then got up with his strange, left-of-centre slightly absurdist material, and we did the same for him, before Roland Raible did his German-based comedy to close the evening off. It wasn't the best way to spend a night but at least the two new guys got some time in front of a crowd, got to work their material and something positive came out of it. I wish both Tyson and Grant well in their careers, and hope I will be seeing them on SA's stages soon.

The Last of the Great Improvisors

Another Improv night at Parkers and another small crowd of about 30. How we performed and what we did is irrelevant today. We did well incidentally, “Freeze Tag” (in which two people perform a scene, they freeze on command of the MC at a certain point, a third person comes in, tagging one of the current actors out, and completely changes the scene) being a particular favourite with loads of laughs.

Nontheless the crowds have remained small and Joe Parker says that he can't imagine the Improv going on under those conditions. It all has loads to do with the fact that the Improv has not been advertised at all, and that Wednesdays are generally being billed as Open Mic nights. The lack of advertising has a lot to do with the organiser's lives changing really dramatically over the past few weeks, and Chris Forrest's terrifying outbreak of measels, so perhaps there is still hope for more improv in the new year. For now though the future of the Starship Improvise at Parker's looks doubtful. Personally I hope it continues, or starts up again in January, as completely apart from being good fun, and a job, it is also something a little different and that enriches the entertainment scene in Johannesburg.

Good news though is that Joe is thinking of bringing in a loyalty/student card type thing in the near future for Parker's, which will see people getting big discounts at the door, drinks specials etc. I will keep you guys posted on exactly how to go about making sure you get one of these cards if and when they get released.

London Timing

Sunday was Cool Runnings day again and I was nervous. Following on from Faerie Glen, I had written a few new jokes and was also performing in front of John Vlismas again for the first time. In the end I shouldn’t have worried. The new material went well and the old jokes still killed to a room that was so full people were standing three deep along the side walls and all the seats were packed, sometimes being shared between two people.

What was of interest in this gig was the conversation I had afterwards with Martin Jonas who told me he saw “London Timing” in my set and said I had improved dramatically since he last saw me. We soon got to talking about writing new material, something I think I do too slowly, and it wasn’t long before we were chatting about a new hot topic in British comedy; the stand up comedian and the online community.

A number of English comics have been recently speaking out in the press about the fact that these days their material has hardly been written before it is being reproduced online, in magazines and even in newspapers completely uncredited. One line comedians are said to be particularly vulnerable to thieves who pinch jokes and then put them up on joke sites claiming the joke is there’s. One comedian was quoted as saying that when he first started his career jokes would last two or three years before he had to retire them, now, he says, he can often do them just once before he realised people in the audience know them already.

This discussion made me think that perhaps the jokes I did in the UK need to be retired; especially if I think they are good. But then it all comes back to the fact that I am not really writing new material fast enough. I have put together about ten new long-term working funny minutes since I started this blog. Jimmy Carr writes about 500 jokes a year. It’s a thought that scares me, and one that emphasises how important venues that encourage acts to do new material, like Cool Runnings, really are.

Anyway; it was great to see Martin again after so long and I am looking forward to performing with him, Melt Sieberhagen and Vittorio Leonardi at Thornfest, next year in January.

Annonymous Philanthropist

It is difficult to watch videos on SAs internet. The time it takes to download is measured in continental drift inches, and as such we miss out on a lot of good stuff. The Onion news network's videos are fairly often worth the wait however and this one definitly is. A classic:


Anonymous Philanthropist Donates 200 Human Kidneys To Hospital

The First 30 minutes.

This Thursday I was back in Pretoria at Faerie Glen Newscafe with Vittorio Leonardi and Trevor Gumbi, only this week I was doing 30 minutes and things did not go as well as the previous week’s little performance had suggested it might.

All comedians have bad gigs. It’s a part and parcel of the profession and keeps the adrenalin going every time you step up. You never know when they are going to hit you and that’s part of the thrill. For me this fun time snuck up on me at my first 30 minute gig ever; last night.

Vittorio and I arrived about 15 minutes late for the gig due to unbelievable grid-locked traffic caused by furious thunderstorms throughout Gauteng and almost immediately went to work. Vic was on fire in a room, which is much larger than the one from the previous week. The tables were mostly full and Vittorio’s wonderful whimsical stories had them all very quickly warmed up. There was drinking aplenty in the room with almost all tables enjoying shooters and the mood was lively and interested. The open mic act Omar was in as good a form as I have seen him and getting funnier. His line about calling his girlfriend sunshine, made me nearly snort my beer.

Soon enough it was my turn to step up in front of this crowd, which was largely made up of people who had been in the week before and a few drunken regulars. I started well enough as I got to make a joke about the live Fashion TV on the big screen in one corner, but things started going south from there. Last week I had done my opening 8 minutes and this was now beginning to hurt me as the people from the previous week, knew all the jokes. There were still sections of the room that were enjoying it but a large table smack in the middle lost interest quickly and started talking amongst themselves. I picked on one or two of them, always mindful of Melt’s genius way of handling the talkative at Rocking the Daisies (ignoring them) and for the most part kept myself likable.

The problem with my material though is that the crowd needs to be paying attention and I could see that one table in particular were becoming annoyed at the people talking. And still I ploughed on. Half an hour is interminable when you are performing to three tables out of ten who are actually enjoying the show and laughing. The minutes just went on an on and on and when I finally stepped off I was only too happy to be out of there.

Trevor Gumbi fortunately had the best set I have ever seen him perform in the second half and that righted the balance.

Afterwards I chatted with Vittorio whose advice was always to have two sets (one, which is your real, “intelligent” set and one for crowds such as this). At the time it was very easy to agree with him and mean it, but upon further thought I began to wonder if that would indeed be the answer. As I have said before, I suffer from nerves and can only deliver material that I find funny myself. Wouldn’t the lack of courage and confidence just as surely destroy my set should I stand up with jokes I did not appreciate? Additionally; there were people in that crowd that liked what I did. Would I be, being fair on them if I became just another jobbing comic with a routine of simple material? Like it or not, I have developed a small, loyal following, people who like what I do and may be disappointed should they ever see me telling the easy set.

I equate this gig a little with what happens at Carnival City. Hendie, the sound engineer there has always advised me to just keep doing what I do, and slowly I am winning that crowd over with my own unique style. Baring that in mind, what I should do here is to just wade into the venue again, tweak stuff, write new material and go in with the extra confidence that was lacking due to the fact that I was performing my first ultra-long set, but this is Vic’s venue. One with just two comics on the bill each night, doing half an hour each. It would take ages to train the crowd up and that would be an expense that Vittorio couldn’t afford. Perhaps I need to view the News Café Faerie Glen as an outreach program. One where I show up, do some free time and try to introduce a different style of comedy to the people in that part of the world? Or maybe I will just sit at home staring off into the middle distance and dreaming of a parallel universe in which I am not plagued by these concerns, am outrageously wealthy, wear a bow tie, and a shiny jacket and dance to the tune of a music box for people’s entertainment.

Speaking our Minds.

A number of top British comics are currently under siege from the media for telling jokes, which are generically deemed to be “unsuitable”. As someone who is known to push the boundaries as to what I think is fair game to joke about, I sympathise with them. The comedians are now however fighting back and there is an element in the British media, which recognises that the censorship of comedians is the beginnings of an attack on the much-vaunted “freedom of speech”. Most of the defence of the comics centres around the concept of “context”. A joke, which is hilarious in a drunken late night den, will never be funny to the 8am working commuter. I agree wholeheartedly.

As a comic I have promised myself that there is nothing I will not joke about, but have added an addendum that the context dictates the jokes. It is not smart to do the same jokes that were so successful with a drunken late night student crowd to a tie-wearing corporate function. I wouldn’t get the laughs and that is principally my job. I bow to my audience and to their context and not to those who would gag what the comic, or indeed the media has to say.

I think the debate is perfectly defended by David Mitchell whose fame in the UK rests on his extremely successful and edgy sitcom “Peep Show”. This is his article published in Britain’s “Guardian” newspaper (a sister publication to our own “Mail & Guardian”): No More Edgy Humour.

For those new to the debate there is a good summary and defence in “The Independent”, which can be found here.

And now this....

I recently had the pleasure of seeing the latest update from "Lord of the Apes" whose "Rocking the Daisies review" I linked earlier. I have very little to say on this as I am already flattered by his kind words, but needless to say; if I had the money I would be employing him into my personal marketing team immediately. Nontheless; while I am certain you won’t react to this update in the same way I did I hope you enjoy it, and continue reading his blog. The man obviously has taste.

Here is a teaser:

"I recently was checking my statistics and found that my writings has been noticed by a South African bloke who I had the pleasure of seeing perform recently. His name is Warren Robertson, and he is was one of the guys doing stand-up at the Daisies festival."

Read the rest of his kind comments here.

So where're all the faeries?

The News cafe in faerie Glen has recently begun holding comedy every Thursday night with Vittorio Leonardi as the host. Perhaps surprisingly, in only its second week, the small smoking section for thirty, or so, people is already filled up and half the tables have reserved signs on them, this despite an enormous pillar smack in the centre of the stage area. The crowd is initially a little rowdy as Vic steps up to begin and it takes him about ten minutes just to get everyone sitting down and facing the right way.

Once they are all concentrating however the laughs begin to flow somewhat sporadically and when he calls me up I am pleased to see everyone is now paying attention. I start slowly, perhaps a luxury considering I am only doing about seven minutes, and ease the crowd into my set. I am feeling very confident with the material I am doing at the moment and being able to pick and choose some of the ideal bits from it, for this crowd means that I get a good number of laughs, including for my spontaneous lines about the venue.

I have always had a friendly sort of a relationship with the Pretoria crowd who seem to like me even at the venues with the most diabolical of reputations, and this performance certainly keeps that ticking. Hannes Brummer is the headline act for the night and though he felt that he was a little bit scattered and disjointed, I thought I have never seen him better. He has a great command of his material now, and no one uses physical humour as punchlines quite like him. He doesn't pull unnecessary faces, or make bold overly energetic actions for no reason. Each move is perfectly calculated and precise and I am enjoying his show more and more each time I see him (Even if all I ever do with him is tell him he is the worst act on the circuit at the moment).

After the show I sat with Vittorio, Hannes, Cyber, Alex Oosthuizen (the new act for the night) and some of the others who are performing open mics in Pretoria at the moment and had enough beers that the Vic and my conversation in the car home about comedy in SA was a lively one.

40 Inspirational Speeches...

I was reminded about this video a few days ago and resolved to post it, as it is still brilliant. 40 Inspirational Speeches in just 2 minutes...

My Father's in the Crowd

I have known of Bevan Cullinan for quite some time. As I said before, I used to watch him and John perform their “Fairy Tale” back when I was a student and actually performing on the Cool Runnings stage was about as far from my intended future activities as getting a job. Due to the fact that he has chosen to focus on a directing career rather than on comedy since those heady days of a young Underground, I have had very little opportunity to actually perform with him since I started working myself. Now I was working on the same stage with him and and another legend of the SA stage with whom I have only performed once or twice in the past Joe Parker. These two men were among the founders of the alternative comedy circuit in South Africa and I was very aware of that when I saw my name alongside theirs on the line-ups for this weekend.

I didn’t really know what I was expecting to be honest, but the friendly all embracing comraderie with which they both treated me certainly helped with the tensions I felt stepping up onto a stage with the two of them. The jokes with Bevan about nerves, the kind advice on how to pace a set from Joe, the awkward picture of the three of us just before Friday’s performance; it’s all great and like I said to Joe afterwards, was a real honour for me.

The place, the people and the fact that I was stepping out in front of my father who had no idea what he was going to see, made it all the more important that I did well, and did I ever. I opened to five minutes in which almost every joke was applauded, and the laughter thundered through the room. I was confident that I could not maintain that tempo for the full fifteen though and soon enough the crowd dipped to giggling and tittering along with my material for the next five minutes. Slowly though, as I approached the build up to my finale the laughter began in earnest again until eventually I decided to end one bit early as the crowd cheered, hooted and applauded me off. Even though this was a great set for me, the best bit must have been seeing my father laughing.

One last pleasant surprise for the evening was the fact that Al Prodgers came by to say hello to everyone at the club and I got to see him for the first time since my return. His support has been invaluable to me since I began and so while I didn’t get a chance to buy him a drink on this occasion, I have marked down a note in my “brain diary” that I must get him a Windhoek lite sooner rather than later.

Parker's - For The First Time.

From the small backroom leading on to the stage at Parker’s Comedy and Jive a comedian can clearly hear the MC go about their business. While you can’t see anything you can hear the reactions and the watch as the disco style lighting occasionally flashes under the door, which opens onto the stage area. Most of the comedians don’t wait here however, instead they pace up and down in the corridor outside that leads to the kitchen and the back entrance of the club. The backroom is just too small for everyone, and besides it needs to be kept dark so the light doesn’t impact on what is going on, on stage.

It was here, in this back room, perched on a bar stool where I counted down the minutes to my first proper gig on the Parker’s stage. Joe is a great MC. The crowd are laughing merrily along with him, but I am all too aware that much of the feeling for the night will depend on me, the one who gets up there first.

In London the promoters put the second best act available to them, on first, saving the best for last. The reason being that, even though the crowd may like the MC it is the acts who will make and break an evening and getting off to a poor start could see the mood of the crowd dip whenever a new person is called to the stage. It is an important role and not one I was expecting to get. Fortunately it is also my favourite role. The crowd are awake, not drunk yet, and eager for the show.

I was still nervous though. This gig is important to me. A chance to prove myself in front of one of SA’s comedy greats in his club. I have long been saying that Joe knows his comedy, what happens on the off chance that I fail tonight?

With these thoughts I am called up onto stage and right from the first line the crowd is laughing. Due to nerves I can feel myself rushing a bit. There are too few pauses and I think I even find myself speaking too fast. This is confirmed when I come off and Tony the sound engineer there tells me I did only 12 minutes. They were a good five minutes though. Joe is pleased, but just mentions the time and I assure him that tomorrow will be better.

I sat at the bar and watched the rest of the show, just sort of winding down with a drink. Lianna Carrera is light hearted, jovial, excitable and only a little bit funny, but she isn’t doing her top material which is all about being a lesbian (she says that material lost her the crowd last Thursday). Bevan Cullinan does what he does, and is funny throughout. The crowd loves him and his Bohemian Rhapsody ending is still as funny and cool as it was when I first saw it years and years ago at Cool Runnings when I was still a student. While I am there a number of people approach the bar and while waiting for their drinks they chat warmly with me and congratulate me on my set. Most of them seem keen to congratulate me on the one joke in particular about my grandfather, which actually got a slightly muted reaction – it’s almost like they want to apologise for not laughing hard enough. All the admiration makes me feel like a rock star and when I leave for the evening I am feeling very confident for the Friday; a day important because it will be the first day in which my father will ever see me perform.